A big budget piece of ship

The latest instalment in the six billion dollar Pirates Of The Caribbean franchise makes you want to walk the plank. Four years after the last swashbuckling adventure, Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush arrrr back in Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. We first catch up with Depp's iconic character Captain Jack Sparrow in London, where the crown try to employ him to go on a voyage to find The Fountain Of Youth before their Spanish rivals do. After a daring escape, Sparrow runs into his father (Keith Richards) and a former flame Angelica (Penelope Cruz) at a nearby pirate bar before waking up onboard Queen Anne's Revenge, the ship captained by “the pirate all pirates fear'' - Blackbeard (Ian McShane).

Turns out Angelica is Blackbeard's daughter and the duo need Sparrow to navigate their way to the Fountain Of Youth so the notorious pirate can cheat a death prophecy. As well as racing against the Spanish, Captain Barbossa (Rush) is hot on their sail and looking to reunite with Sparrow so they can get revenge on the murderous Blackbeard who also has zombie minions. And his beard lights up when he smokes. And there's man-eating mermaids. Savvy?

Yep, the On Stranger Tides plot makes about as much sense as Cruz's role in the film, which is to say, none. Although there have been holes in the other films in Disney's flagship franchise, Depp's Oscar-nominated performance and the turns from a supporting cast including Rush, Kiera Knightley and Orlando Bloom has been enough to keep the films afloat. This time around that's not the case. Knightley and Bloom clearly recognise a sinking ship when they see one and have jumped over board, with acclaimed actors Cruz and McShane added to the cast in their wake.They add little life to the film, flopping around aimlessly, and even Depp looks as if he doesn't want to be there. For the first time in the series, which relies heavily on the shoulders of Depp's performance as Sparrow, the actor doesn't seem to be enjoying himself. It's only in the final 10 minutes the cheeky charm, flamboyance and liveliness that we associate with Sparrow seems to return. By then it's too late and Rush has been left to do all the work. But it's nice to see they took the minimalist approach to costume design with Sparrow. Not.

Everything about Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is over the top; from the endless locations to the very premise itself. With the director of the past three films opting out, Rob Marshall (Chicago, Nine) has stepped in and become the studio's lapdog, replacing sense and creativity with the Michael Bay's take on filmmaking; stunts + fire + nearly topless women = success. With a big budget and big running time, Pirates is small on any lasting enjoyment and will leave your mind plank.

P.S. Keep an eye out for Australian supermodel Gemma Ward in a cameo as an ethereal yet evil mermaid.

Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides opens Thursday, May 19.