G Whiz

What were they thinking? Sometimes I seriously wonder what is happening to the world. Israelis are spilling in to the Gaza strip, the economy is disintegrating faster than Michael Jacksons face and Disney prepares to release a feature film about talking Guinea Pigs. Sorry Disney, I guess that’s looking at the film in a nutshell when really it’s much more complex than that. The film, titled G-Force, is about talking Guinea Pigs who have been trained by the FBI to help dispatch a diabolical billionaire from taking over the world. Well get out my red pen and calendar because I’ve got a new release date to mark baby!
No. I’m being sarcastic. And if the day ever comes when I’m marking the release day of a film about talking Guniea Pigs in my calendar then I’ll be handing my best friend an AK47 and asking her to take me behind the shed and do me like she did Ol Yeller when he got arthritis in his back legs.
The film, which is obviously targeted at children, is so ludacris I don’t think even the kiddies are going to find it funny. In fact, I have a feeling that after sitting through two hours of this rubbish all children under 10 might have an inclination to buy and skin every Guinea Pig they can get their hands on. Of course, we (and by we I mean I) at Movie Mazzupial don’t condone animal violence especially against creatures distantly related to marsupials. However, you seriously have to wonder in times of impending economic doom (or even economic super-awesome party fun time) how could Disney execs green light such a movie? More importantly how could actors of Nicholas Cage, Penelope Cruz, Steve Buscemi and Bill Nighy’s caliber sign on to voice the characters? How? Why? How? Two very important questions, which I think need answering. And the name! G-Force!
I imagine the conversation on naming the film would have gone something like this:

Disney Exec 1: So what do you think we should name this talking Guinea Pig movie?

Disney Exec 2: Is this the one where they’re agents for the FBI?

DE 1: Yep.

DE 2: The one where we copied the same plot from Cats and Dogs but swapped the animals for Guinea Pigs?

DE 1: Yep.

DE 2: Hmmm I don’t know . . . .

DE 1: What about FGI?

DE 2: That’s fucking stupid.

DE 1: The whole film is fucking stupid.

DE 2: Seriously how did we go from making Toy Story to working on this shit?

- -(two hours later) - -

DE 1: What about C-G-I? It’s like a play on the G in Guniea Pigs and the technology used to create the characters.

DE 2: Stuff it. I say we just call it something related to a female orgasm and hopefully they’ll bin the whole film.

DE 1: G-Force?

DE 2: Ha! I love it! It’s like G-spot but kinky with the Guinea Pigs.

The rest is history my friends and for those of you who want to die a slow and painful death, G-Force is out in cinemas July this year. Hoyt Yeatman is the director of said disaster and if his name sounds familiar that’s because he had some street cred before he signed on to this. Yeatman was the visual effects supervisor for such genre classics as The Fly, The Blob and a handful of The Nightmare on Elm Street Films. WTF happened Yeatmizter? How did you stoop to this? FYI Santa called and next Christmas you’re getting a bag of coal and a pant suit. With gold buttons.