Suicide by poison is the better option

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? If he has any sense he will be running away from this movie as fast as he can. Letters To Juliet is the second letter-themed movie Amanda Seyfried has starred in this year after Dear John and it is a testament to its badness to say it is considerably worse than the latter.

It follows Sophie and her fiancée Victor (Gael García Bernal) who travel to the city of Verona, home of the star-crossed lover Juliet Capulet of Romeo and Juliet fame.Sick of being ignored by her fiancee as he runs around trying find suppliers for his restaurant, Sophie joins a group of volunteers who respond to letters written to Juliet seeking advice about love. After answering one letter dated 1951, she inspires its author Claire (Vanessa Redgrave) to travel to Italy in search of her long-lost love, with her uptight grandson Charlie along for the ride (played by former Home & Away star Chris Egan).
At first Sophie and Charlie clash over such deep character flaws as her use of phrases like `awesome' and `oh my god' and his, well, Britishness. Yet after a few days in the car together on the hunt for Claire's Romeo, they begin to fall for each other. But can Sophie follow her own advice on love as easily as she can dish it out? After 10 minutes of this ill-conceived dud you won't care about the answer.

Director Gary Winick comes from a long line of romantic comedies such as Bride Wars and Suddenly 30, but he seems to care more about the Italian sunshine filtering through Seyfried's hair than the quality of this film. The jokes are harder to spot than Egan's acting ability and it seems his terrible performance in last year's Crush was not a one off. This could have been a big move for him, the next forward step into a Hollywood career after notable turns in Resident Evil: Extinction and short lived series Kings. But he is simply terrible as Charlie. Even teen fans will be hard pressed to overlook his awkwardness, despite a shirtless scene.
The usual talents of Seyfried and Redgrave as leading ladies are dwindled down to a few meaningful looks here and there, but for the most part they are merely players in this woeful story. Throw in kissing couples played over the opening credits and lines like "I didn't know that true love had an expiration date'' and you will quickly find yourself reaching for a bucket.

Lovers of sickly sweet romances might have been able to overlook all of the above if there were at least two charismatic leads. However, there is absolutely no chemistry between Seyfried and Egan, and even the older lovers manage to generate more heat (which is disturbing on many levels). Letters To Juliet assumes that its audience will flock to see any version of Hollywood romance no matter how stupid and pathetic it is. Hopefully, this is not the case.

Ahoy there to the Razzie committee, I think we have an awards frontrunner.

Letters To Juliet opens in cinemas this Thursday.

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No chocolate-box analogies here beyatch

The latest film from Garry Marshall, the director of Pretty Woman, feels like a deflated love-heart balloon a week after Valentine's Day. It's tired, used and tainted with the promise of what it could have been if given a little more care.

Valentine's Day is America's version of Love Actually and follows intertwining couples and singles in Los Angeles as they make-up and break-up on the romantic holiday. It stars a who's who of Hollywood A-listers including Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Garner, Jamie Foxx, Shirley MacLaine, Jessica Alba, Bradley Cooper, Jessica Biel, Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift (to name a few).

Unlike Love Actually the presence of so many stars hinders rather than helps the film, but that could be due to Marshall's flimsy direction. It's unashamedly a romantic comedy, which would be fine if it was actually romantic. Cute animals, kissing kids and canoodling old couples don't make up for a lack of chemistry between the lead characters. Sure, Hathaway steals every scene she's in as a part-time phone sex worker and Foxx brings more than his fair share of comic relief, but that's not enough to make up for a `meh' story.

Fans of country crooner Swift will be unsatisfied with her acting debut as a stuck-up highschool dancer and her erratic, Golden Raspberry Award-worthy performance will leave audiences cringing.

Essentially Valentine's Day is a telemovie-quality film, right down to the flat camera work, cliché characters and uninspired scenarios. It will please hardcore fans of the rom-com genre, the rest of us however will be left reaching for a bucket.

The reality is, Valentine's Day makes for a much better horror movie subject a la My Bloody Valentine 3D (the 80s original is worth a look too).

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After Wednesday, but before Friday

What day is it? Can I get a T-H-U-R-S-D-A-Y! For us civilians it’s new movie day and while I was having a good ol flick through the new releases I noticed there’s not much opening today. Okay, you got me. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor opens but frankly, as much as I like Brendan Fraser, even he can save the film from being a complete disaster. I think the producers have gone ‘hmmm . . .what can we do to make this deteriorating franchise better than the last two and just as appealing to audiences as recent blockbusters?’ And some fag as said `hey guys! I know what to do! Let’s put every mythical creature known to man in the film for Fraser and the gang to battle and for good measure we’ll chuck Jet Li in there too.’ This last comment must have generated a round of high fives in the producer bunker because going off the trailers I’ve seen, literally every magical being EVER is feature in the movie. Minus the unicorn but I’m sure it has a brief cameo too (Charlieeeeeee). The always boring Norah Jones makes her cinematic debut alongside Jude Law, Natalie Portman, James Spader and Rachel Weisz in My Blueberry Nights which is also out today. The film has had mixed reviews and is targeted somewhere between the film festival and sentimental romance crowd. Given the relatively slow opening Thursday I’m going to take the opportunity to catch up on some movies I’ve wanted to see for a while, namely In Bruges, The Visitor, Funny Games and Son of Rambow. I’ve heard only good things. Besides that I’ve literally seen everything else screening at the momento (i.e. Hellboy II: The Golden Army, The Dark Knight, Pineapple Express, Baby Mama, Tropic Thunder, Mamma Mia, Not Quite Hollywood, Wanted, The Strangers, Taken, Make It Happen, The Bank Job). I wouldn’t mind squeezing in The Edge of Heaven either because I’m a Cillian Murphy and Keira Knightley fan. Notably I’m neglecting Bonneville and Harold and Kumar escape from Guantanamo which are strictly DVD affairs. FYI Make It Happen is one of the top five worst movies I’ve seen. I’m actually amazed at how the makers could stuff up SO many things. I mean, if not by pure fluke, at least one thing should go right. But no, the acting, the soundtrack, the dancing, the costumes, the plot, the direction, the editing are appalling. I’m sensing a front runner at this year’s Razzie awards.

Useless fact: This day marks the seventh anniversary of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centre. It also marks the day Mariah Carey’s film Glitter debuted in cinemas. Like two of the most iconic buildings in New York, Glitter also crashed and burned.

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