Gore swapped for bore in Insidious

Take a creaky old house, add a cup of shadowy lighting, a pinch of haunting violin music and throw in a mixture of creepy kids and creepy old ladies. Those are the ingredients for Insidious, the new horror/thriller from James Wan and Leigh Whannell, the Australian duo behind the hugely successful Saw franchise.
But this is less reverse bear traps and more cheap chills.

When married couple Renai (Rose Byrne) and Josh (Patrick Wilson) move into a new home with their three children, Renai begins to think there is "something wrong'' after she experiences a serious of paranormal events. They include doors opening by themselves, voices heard whispering over the baby monitor, objects moving of their own accord, creepy child laughter and shadowy figures appearing suddenly. I know, groundbreaking stuff. When their son Dalton (Ty Simpkins) suffers a serious accident and goes into a coma, the couple are forced to consider whether it's the house that's haunted or their child.

Insidious is clearly influenced by creepy child-classics within the genre such as The Exorcist, Poltergeist, Rosemary's Baby and even the more recent Spanish spine-tingler The Orphanage. The difference though, is they were actually scary. Insidious relies on cheap tricks, like an ashen-faced ghost appearing out of nowhere, that may provide plenty of jump-out-of-your-seat moments but lack the power of slow-burning suspense.



(Left: Darth Maul, the latest in horror movie villains.)




It's full of haunted house and possessed child clichés which, frankly, seem beneath Wan and Whannell who previously seemed so bent on bringing original ideas to the horror genre. The stereotypical séance scene has the most potential thanks to some clever lighting and camera work but, like the rest of the film, it quickly descends into melancholy. The situation isn't helped by Joseph Bishara's relentless score that's like Psycho on speed; heavy on the multiple violins and light on any actual impact.

If Wan and Whannell wanted to prove to fans of their previous work that horror films can be scary without the gore, they failed. Boring instead of gory, mundane instead of insane, expected instead of unexpected. By the lack lustre conclusion, it's clear the only thing sinister and menacing about Insidious is the title.

Insidious is out Thursday, May 12.

P.S. As a side note, keep your eyes peeled for the Jigsaw caricature on the black board in the classroom scene.

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A letter of sorts

Twilight, Twilight, Twilight. Where do I start? First off, your plagiarized content becomes a best seller creating all sorts of frenzy amongst book worms worldwide. Then you get a movie deal complete with credible director, hot, young cast and a budget smaller than Tom Cruise. Tacky special effects and mediocrity aside you become a box-office smash reducing teenage girls to squealing, blabbering, Rob Pattison-raping messes. The development of your sequels has been all anyone wants to hear about. Now, just as New Moon has begun filming and I thought all hope of you becoming a decent movie franchise is lost, Juan Antonio Bayona is announced as the most likely candidate to take on your third installment. Who is Juan Antonio Bayano you ask? Oh, just the hottest young (horror) filmmaker to come out of Spain since Fernan Gomez (with the support of Guillermo del Toro no less).  Of course, simply because The Orphanage is one of my favourite films, that doesn't mean you should put all your faith in Juan Antonio Bayano. After all, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but Drew Barrymore is one of the other directors Summit Entertainment are seriously considering for your third piece. There, there (insert self patting Twilight's shoulder as it sobs into hands). I don't want to stick the knife in, but do you know what Barrymore said when asked if she's going to direct Eclipse? "Because I'm a director now." Yes, that's a direct quote from the woman herself and with the annunciation of an eight-year-old child she has been able to some up everyones worst fears in less than five words. Being the pro-active pen pal that I am, I have included some pictures of the said directors for you to peruse. Don't be fooled Twilight, Barrymore may be easy on the eye and have plenty of sway in Hollywood, but keep in mind she brought us such `quality' films as Ever After and Never Been Kissed. Better luck with the fourth installment ay. 

(Above) Spanish horror film maker Juan Antonio Bayano, potential Eclipse director or . . .

the job could go to Drew Barrymore (below) in what would be her second feature film.

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Total Eclipse of the heart

A total eclipse of . . . .. . .the heart.
You know, it frustrates me because I’m pretty sure that’s the only decent headline I’m going to come up with in relation to the Eclipse movie and I’ve used it up already. Oh well. And so the drama continues in relation to the movies based around the Twilight books with scriptwriter Melissa Rosenberg denying Vanessa `the undresser’ Hudgens has been cast as Leah Clearwater in New Moon because she hasn’t even written the furry, female character in to the second film. In fact, she suggests they probably won’t introduce her until the third or fourth film. The next dilemma is who will direct Eclipse? You may remember a few days ago I reported that they intended to film New Moon and Eclipse back to back this year. Well, Twilight and New Moon producers Rob Friedman and Patrick Wachsberger have come out saying they intend to have a different director for each film meaning in just a few months time . . . Chis Weitz will be on his way out. Given the strength and success of the first film under the direction of Catherine Hardwicke, there’s no shortage of filmmakers lining up for a shot at making Eclipse. The two front runners are Spanish lad Juan Antonio, director of The Orphanage and 3:10 to Yuma director James Mangold.

Best. Choices. Ever.

Both The Orphanage and 3:10 to Yuma were two of my favourite films of the year and I think the respective directors are superb! I feel super sorry for the dudes who have to decide between these two brilliant filmmakers as both would do an excellent job. Stay tuned to find who is jumping aboard the Eclipse choo-choo train. All aboard.

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