The 5 key ingredients to a Nicholas Sparks tear-jerker

You know, I've just about had enough. No one in the film industry has got me this angry since Michael freakin' Bay (hem), but Nicholas Sparks is getting bloody close. As a best-selling novelist, he is loved amongst the chick-lit circles and is the male equivalent of Jodi Picoult. What's worse, is the Sparks phenomenon has spread to the big screen with practically all of the films based on his work becoming box-office hits. Why, you ask? Colour me stumped, but I suspect it's because he has a vagina. Perhaps there is a huge market out there for people who want the same soppy, predictable package repeated over and over again in different scenarios. Either way, after begrudgingly having seen all of his films (for work I swear!) it's easy to identify the five key ingredients which make make up a Nicholas Sparks tear-jerker:

Two white people

As the foundation to all his stories, there needs to be two attractive Caucasians who fall in love. Even the supporting cast is predominantly white, heaven forbid the coloured folks creep in. That's not to say there aren't any ethnic minorities in his films, however, they should take on minor roles such as the hospital nurse in The Notebook or the waitress staff in The Last Song.

Disparity of wealth

One of these said white people needs to be considerably richer than the other. Yet the `poorer' character isn't really that poor, they still have a suitable home and usually fit comfortably into the middle class bracket. But the general income difference needs to be such that it creates conflict and/or discomfort between the two main characters. For instance, in Dear John Amanda Seyfried's character Savannah comes from `old money' whereas her romantic interest, Channing Tatum's John, helms from a modest two bedroom home furnished by his reclusive father. Also, Allie's (Rachel McAdams) social status and wealthy parentage creates problems between her and Noah (Ryan Gosling) in The Notebook and the reverse is true in The Last Song between Will (Liam Hemsworth) and Ronnie (Miley Cyrus).

The beach

Never underestimate how useful the beach can be in a Nicholas Sparks tale. Whether the heroin discovers a message in a bottle washed up on the shore (Message In A Bottle) or the couple first connect when he stays at the precariously positioned house (above) she is looking after on a windswept coastline (Nights in Rodanthe), the beach is like crack to a NS tear-jerker. After all, where else could one proclaim "if I'm a bird you're a bird" (The Notebook) or meet the love of their lives after they drop their handbag in to the ocean and a muscular surfer dives in to retrieve it (Dear John). All together now, `awwwww'.

Cancer (or an equally serious disease)

If it's not the heroine dying despite her courageous battle with leukemia (A Walk To Remember) then another character will be widowed from the disease (Dear John). Heck, even a father can cark it after a wrestle with cancer (The Last Song). Either way, it doesn't really matter as long as someone dies from it. Cancer is the preferable disease, but for the sake of realism (BAHA!) Sparksy likes to mix it up by throwing in a different ailment every now and again, like Alzheimer's (The Notebook).

Letters

A standard Nicholas Sparks film has more letters than the alphabet, because nothing says `weepy romantic sentiment’ like cursive writing on paper. If a letter washed up in a bottle (Message In A Bottle) isn't enough for you, there's always a year of undiscovered love letters (The Notebook), letters to a boyfriend in Iraq (Dear John) or dozens of unread letters from your estranged father (The Last Song).

Other common features include: rain kissing, a female disinterested in the male (to begin with), war, Christianity, vomit-inducing dialogue.