I want transcript-ual healing, transcript-ual (healing baby)

Today is Wednesday (please hold your surprise to the end of the sentence) and it was one of the funniest days I've had in the office in a long time. Mainly thanks to the hilarity of Man B. And schnauzers, but I'll save that story for another time. Anyway, here are my favourite transcripts from the day. Enjoy mes amis.

Transcript 1
Me: If I start the story on the Mini Cooper with `they say it’s not the size that counts, it’s how you use it’, do you think that’s too crude?
Man A: Definitely not. You could back it up with something about the shift stick too.
Me: Well no, I think that might be going too far. I don’t want to say `his shift stick was long, hard and ready to race`.
Man B: Or you could say she had a five gear box.
Me: When we started talking dirty Man B I saw your eyes light up and I just knew this was your type of conversation.
Man B: Hey, someone has to keep the standards in this office.
Me: Or lack thereof.
Man B: Exactly. Wanna come share a honeymoon suite with me?

Transcript 2
Man B: Oh no! I’m going to the mental health clinic now for a job and I’ve spilled water down the front of my pants. They’ll never let me out of the place now.
Man A: You might be able to pick up some of the ladies there.
Me: Yeah, they’ll totally go in the honey moon suite with you.
Man B: Awesome. I’ve always wanted to be tied up.
Me: Oh my god.

Transcript 3
Man B: Would you like a MilkyWay bar?
Me: Nah the chocolate on those things isn’t hardcore enough for me.
Man B: Okay, suit yourself.
Me: Actually I will have one.
Man B: Super.
Me: Whoa, 40% less fat! That means I have to eat like six to get my usual daily fat intake.
Man B: More like eight.
Me: Touche.
Man B: Look at that, it’s a sneak peak of the uniforms for the opening ceremony.
Me: Hmmm.
Man B: They’re blue! BLUE!
Me: I see that.
Man B: It’s so un-Australian!
Me: No it isn’t. (Sings) True blue.
Man B: I guess. Plus our home is girt by sea.

Transcript 4
Me: Man B what are you doing?
Man B: Hmmm I don't know. I don't really have anything left to do.
Me: Oh.
Man B: I might go next-door to the Warehouse and look at the home wares.
Me: You're so exciting.
Man B: Well, you never know I might pick out some new things for my bathroom. A new shower curtain. New soap even.
Me: For all the ladies that pop round eh? Who feel dirrty.
Man B: If ladies come to my house then it's to get dirty not because they are dirty.
Me: Ew.